Creativity & Mental Health: In Conversation with Laky
In the midst of Mental Health Awareness Week, the mega talented Laky released her debut single, ‘Saving Me’. It’s a delight to the eardrums and carries a powerful message.
(You can listen to it here.)
Last Tuesday, I had the pleasure of catching up with Laky on how the song came about, what it’s been like as a musician during the Panny D, and why she’s using her platform and (bucket loads of) talent to break the stigma around mental health.
Laky was incredibly open about her own experiences, and before we started the interview she let me know her mental health isn’t in the best spot right now. So, I just want to say a huuuge thank you for her time, being so honest and answering all my questions. (My nosiness can be hard to deal with at the best of times, let alone when you’re going through a difficult patch).
In all seriousness, I think conversations like this one show just how important it is to keep breaking the stigma and talking about whatever mental health struggles you may be dealing with. I haven’t been able to get some of the thoughts Laky shared out of my head since, and I hope our convo. is as thought-provoking for you guys as it was for me.
Meg: Tell me a bit about yourself. Who are ya? Why’d you choose the name?
Laky: The name came about because a friend I used to work with came in one day and said: “I had a dream last night that you had a stage name and it was an anagram of your name”. (My name is Kyla). And they were like “yeah it was Laky, but pronounced (lake-y)”. I laughed it off, but 20 mins later I was like, I can’t get that name out of my head.
It was such a weird, bizarre thing but it just clicked. And I think as well because I’m all about gender fluidity and not wanting to be too girly, the name Laky just kind of still felt like me…So that’s how that came about.
And, who am I? I am a severely anxious person. (laughs) And I guess I have a love/hate relationship with music. Music’s always been a big part of my life, it’s my form of expression. So, I’m a musician, an anxious person and I’m also…Some people say that you’re sexuality doesn’t define you, but I think being a gay woman is a big part of who I am. Mainly, I think, because I suppressed it for so long, I’m aware of how much of myself I lost from doing that, so it is a part of who I am, you know? It’s not what defines me but it’s definitely a big part of me. I think that pretty much sums it up! Oh, and I’m too sarcastic for my own good.
Meg: You talk a lot about mental health on your Instagram, if you’re comfortable speaking about it, when did you first become aware of your own mental health? Is it something you’ve always been comfortable talking about?
Laky: I think whereas my sexuality I was aware of when I was really young, my mental health (which was probably very related to it, I think my struggles with my mental health come from a lot of insecurity and suppression) I don’t think I noticed until quite late, maybe 18/19 when I was coming out. And I don’t think I even recognised it then as a mental health issue.
I’ve always had a big struggle with physical health and mental health, because my mental health shows itself really physically. I have a lot of panic attacks, and right now I have quite a bit of numbness down one side of my body, and that’s just a thing I recognise now as a result of my anxiety. It doesn’t make it any less real. Someone saying that [a symptom] is because of your mental health doesn’t invalidate it.
I talk about validation a lot, because I feel like so many people feel like they can’t be struggling because their life looks to the world like it’s fine. I’ve really delved into that recently. I’m just so over comparison to anything or anyone anymore. Everyone has their own life and their own experiences, and you cannot judge anyone for what they’re going through or even begin to understand to try and understand what they’re going through.
Meg: You mentioned validation there and avoiding comparison, would you say that’s something which is important in opening up these conversations?
Laky: Yeah definitely, I think even people who think they’re very open might not realise there’s judgement there. People are very quick to want to ‘fix’ a problem. But with mental health it’s very difficult. Sometimes people aren’t talking to you because they want to fix a problem, they’re talking to you because they just want to be heard and know that it’s valid.
I think for a lot of people, if they can’t physically see something, they find it hard to know it’s valid. And people that haven’t experienced problems with their mental health particularly, they just see it as someone’s sad or you’re having a bad day. They don’t get that mental health (and I use that word because it’s a nicer way to put it, but really it’s a mental illness, I’m talking about an illness), when you’re going through that, you’re going through depression, or anxiety, or panic disorder, your brain is suffering, for whatever reason - and it needs to be treated with just as much respect as anyone with any kind of physical illness.
I said this to my mum the other day, if I went to the doctor with a broken arm, and they were just telling me why my arm was broken, ‘yes, that’s because you fell out a tree’. You’d be like, okay well that’s not going to fix my arm. And I spend most of my time telling people, ‘this is what I’m going through’ and them just trying to find the reason for it. The reasons are not going to change it…It’s really really important to me that no one has the right to tell someone that their feelings are or aren’t valid, because we’re the only people who know what’s going on in our own mind.
Meg: It’s a known thing, and I know from personal experiences, that there’s a link between mental health struggles and creativity. I saw a statistic the other day that 87% of musicians say their mental health has deteriorated since the Pandemic started. An awful statistic. Could you share a bit more on your experiences? And alongside the obvious negatives, have there been any positives that have come out of it for you?
Laky: I think my experiences are maybe unique, but I don’t know. In the sense that I was actually spiralling into this place before COVID hit. And I think, weirdly, COVID kind of actually caught up with me. It sounds bizarre, but I was quite happy when lockdown happened because I wasn’t able to keep up with my life. Lockdown happened and I wasn’t able to do anything but focus on just surviving and feeling as okay as I could possibly feel.
I found that because my mental health declined before COVID hit, I’d already lost my interest in creating. I think some people used that time and absolutely thrived when it came to writing etc. For me, the last thing I wanted to do was the thing that was my everyday life, because life was so different.
One thing I’ve realised as a creative person, I don’t know if you’re the same, is that when I’m in a good place, I can use that creativity in a positive way. But I think part of the reason I get so anxious is because when I’m not putting that towards something, that creativity is what’s fuelling my anxiety. If I think of it as a fuel, it can either fuel my writing and my performance or it can fuel my anxiety.
It’s funny because I never used to get anxious about going on stage or anything like that and now, because of the year we’ve had, things that I used to feel so comfortable doing just scare the shit out of me in all honesty.
Meg: The smallest things will be really terrifying now for some of us. I know I’m anxious about a lot of the things that ‘returning to normal’ will and is bringing.
Laky: Yeah, I just don’t know anymore how to handle myself in those situations…
So then it gets you in this horrible avoidance mode, you end up avoiding because you’re scared of [panic attacks] happening. And it just gets you in this cycle. That’s why I say I’m glad that we did this [catch up] now because the avoidance part of my brain was like, well this could possibly make you more anxious, but is that a good enough reason to just not do things? Sometimes no, sometimes yes.
Meg: Well I’m very glad we got to catch up too. I think we have very similar experiences with a lot of these things to be honest. What I’ve never explored though, is talking about it through music. Which leads me on to your new song! I’d love to know a bit more about it.
Laky: It’s a song called ‘Saving Me’ and I wrote it about 2 and a half years ago. I wrote it at a time when I was at one of my best places mentally, which is so weird looking back on it now. That whole year I was writing songs. You’d think when you’re happy you’d write happy songs, but when I’m in these kind of places [referring to how she’s feeling now] I’m not able to write. So when I get out of it, I’m thinking of those things I was going through.
The reason I released it now, and I could’ve waited until I was next in a good place because I know that will happen, but I thought maybe actually a bit of honesty is what people might need right now. And honestly, I’m in one of the worst places I’ve ever been and this song is never going to be more relevant to me.
It’s a song about saving yourself when you’re in those horrible positions, because whether or not you medicate, or go to therapy, or do yoga, or whatever – you’re still the reason that you get yourself through those horrible points. And I guess it’s a little reminder to myself as well. We’re the first to beat ourselves up when things are not going well but we never give ourselves a well done for just getting through it, and you would to your friends. So it’s just a reminder to treat yourself in the same way. That’s kind of what I wanted the song to be and I thought Mental Health Awareness Week was the time to do it.
Meg: It felt like the perfect time and it seems as well like it’s really resonated with people. I’ve seen some beautiful videos of people dancing to it, which must be lovely to see.
Laky: Yeah, so nice. When other people do things I can do it doesn’t bother me, but I cannot dance and I cannot act (well maybe a little but not well), and I can’t draw. So when I see people doing it I’m like wow, that’s the feeling I’m meant to have with music, just so in awe of people’s talent. And it’s amazing to me to see that [Saving Me] can inspire someone else’s creativity.
It’s interesting as well seeing different people’s take on it. It’s weird when you release music, because this is the first song I’ve released, you know how you felt when you wrote the song and what it means. But once it’s out there, people can take it however they want and you can’t do anything about that. I’m sure for some people it means something very different to what it means for me and you just have to get on board with that. (laughs).
It’s been an interesting kind of lesson, which is maybe why I feel a bit weird now it’s out. It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me anymore.
Meg: Are there any resources, accounts or websites you’d recommend for anyone who might need help with or is looking to start their journey of talking about mental health?
Laky: For creative people, especially musicians, @helpmusicians has just been brilliant. They share a load of great stuff. For anyone that’s really struggling, always contact Samaritans, or Mind. You can get really low-cost and free therapy through Mind for anyone that needs it.
I actually got 10 free sessions of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) with a Kent based company called We Are With You. My therapist was wonderful. I was on a fairly long waiting list, but it was free CBT, hour long sessions for like 10 weeks solid.
Also, don’t forget if you are struggling, you can talk to your GP about it. They can provide you with NHS therapy services and medication, if you feel like that’s right for you of course. (I pretty much have my GP on speed-dial now [laughs]). And also, talk to your people. If you’re lucky enough to have people around you, talk to them. Because…talking about it is ending the stigma!
Meg: Which is what we all want and need! (both laugh) The last question I have for you is, what are you most looking forward to in the next 6 months?
Laky: No.1: I’m most looking forward to feeling better, because I will! And 2, I’m in the process of organising a mindful theatre retreat, which is just focused on bringing good people together, without any judgement and just sort of being creative but being mindful, with a real focus on mental health. And it’s the thing out of the whole year I’ve been really enthused by.
That’s a big note actually, for anyone’s that’s creative. Just because you’re not feeling enthused about the thing you’re “supposed” to be doing, if you find something else that is spiking that enthusiasm, just do it – because why not? I keep beating myself up for not doing music at the moment, but I’ll do music when I’m ready to do music. That doesn’t mean I should stop myself from doing the things that bring me some form of joy in a time where I’m lacking a lot of joy.